Science, whether we want to be able to recognize it or not. Requires love and patience to do correctly. If we don't have that, then we suffer and struggle to make the right connections. I believe this to be the sole deciding factor for useful science outside of topic quality checking the work, verification , and replicating results.

I didn't happen by chance into Energy Work. I science'd myself into it. It's really the only way I can describe the !@#$, because, well. We just don't have language for it yet. If we did, this wouldn't, the travesties and trials, I had to endure over the years, would not have happened.

Attachment Theory is part of the way there. It's unfinished though.

Before science could be observed, I had to test The Scientists.

Step one was to figure out the quality of The Scientists. Evaluating their merits and integrity without them knowing what I was doing, was probably the hardest part of all this. The retrospection on my end was nessicary because at the end of the day, I didn't have any idea who or what was causing alterations to my life. I only knew that it was happening and happening in a way that wasn't thoroughly explained to me. Yet, there was an obvious pattern I couldn't look past.

Furthermore, if The Scientists were complete shit bags, I wouldn't want to learn from them. Today, I think The Scientists are having trouble reaching the autistic community in a way were we can accept. The general resentment we have for scientists, is well. Hard to talk about.

We can't exactly do without scientists. At the same time, we absolutely need science. It's one of the few institutions that has humility baked right into the culture. Which I personally resonate with. Social Justice can't exactly continue in the framework of good vs bad either. The concept needs to evolve beyond our limited understanding of what we perceive to be good and bad, into what we perceive.

Which makes talking about emotions hard, and I think is the primary driver why neurotypicals think autistic types are to literal. You all can slide by on emotional interactions a lot more seamlessly than us. There are parts if our emotional lives that are largely ignored because we don't get exposed to other autistics as often.

When we finally get exposed. Its often intense. Emotional regulation requires iteration because it often starts from nothing. Imagine having the mindset of a 5 year old, and not being aware of it, then all of a sudden you get hyper developed. Its not fun.

I personally think, truly bad people are lazy and are repetitively negligent. At the same time, trying to identify solid qualifiers for progressive and degradation is probably one of the hardest things to do between autistic and neurotypical types.

Assuming all nuerotypes act virtuously, our communication can sometimes hurt each another at the same moment where we just want to feel relief and share it. Turns out, our similarities within our identities is the critical factor that makes empathy possible between nuerodivergent minds.

What a journey.

Let's get one thing clear, if I wasn't identifying as an Energy Worker, I'd identify as a scientist. Unfortunately, I feel i have been gate kept in a way were it'll take me years to become the type of scientist I'd like to be.

First I had to figure out the whole college thing. Then I had to figure out the whole career thing to support my departure from and reapplication back into academia. Then I had to figure out why it felt like the whole world was working against me.

Now I just yell at the gods like a crazy person. It's fun.

Everything might seem like a house of cards. The reality is, our psyche, as animals, as humans, are so resilient, than even learning about a reality such as mine wouldn't lead to a psychotic break. It's safe to assume that given the majority of effort is focused in the right direction, when we become aware of a staggering truth. It is nothing more than a foot note.

For me, it was undeniable assurances. I didn't bite back. I chose to take it on the cheek instead.

After the event, I actually was ready to walk away from everything. Then I was stuck with yet another crazy person. I mean seriously. What and why and how would that happen so often?

We have to get used to building the airplane while flying now. Here are the basic building blocks.

The Scientists trying to hold me up, kept disqualifying me when I wasn't even aware of what was happening. All I wanted to do was play video games and read books. However, they wanted me to step up and be more than who I was. Problem was, when I was pushed. Nobody wanted to do anything with me. Here I was, ready to learn, and absolutely nobody was around to learn from me. The lack of validation alone made me think that everything I put time into, was a waste if time. As it went on, people would often talk down to me as if I was missing something. However, the people who pushed me into this state did it without any intention of ever continuing contact with me. Took me a bit to come to terms with that.

That is how the apparatus I found myself within was designed. It works, for the majority. I'm simply an under represented minority within a collection of systems designed to empower low performers such as I was.

What they got wrong, was I wanted to be left alone. My freewill was engaged in a way where I needed isolation for optimal mental health. Rewiring myself into something else took years of intense focus.

Turns out my interpretation wasn't wrong. What went wrong was, I couldn't imagine the reality. The subversion used with me to "wake" me up. It never worked because I was never asleep. My autism was always engaged and because I was completely oblivious, it went on for a long time without me noticing. It wasn't until someone made a mistake and tried to manipulate me in such an obtuse way, did I start to question what I was caught up in.

I was actually quite happy ignoring you all until.. well, you know. We've hashed that enough.

What do you do when the autistic neurodivergent boundaries aren't as clear? When nuerotypical boundaries are more solidified in the mainstream?

What prompted this decade long study of human communication on my side? An E-mail from someone calling me a terrible person.

The time that email came across to my inbox, this individual had already been attacking my language and word usage. Trying to institute the utilization of the Chicago Manual of Style into my software documentation. This individual was already apt at communication, but was not autistic. Myself, trying to keep a positive and constructive attitude during the exchange of emails, I attempted to change the way I wrote emails to become more descriptive. This inadvertently increased the amount of discourse between us and lead to more cruft in our emails. Regardless of the quality of email I submitted, my correspondent continued to become more and more upset with me and I couldn't figure out why.

This someone, was someone I cared for deeply. Who supported me and allied himself with me. For him to turn on me, it didn't make sense because I didn't do anything to warrant a harmful deed from his side. Or so, I thought.

Turns out, when you listen to someone. You have to understand what they mean to say to you for them to not be emotional in a way that degrades communication. You can't just accept what they say and incorporate it. You have to validate it so that they feel you have heard them. Otherwise they will turn on you the moment it doesn't make sense to them. This naturally reduces the entropy in the conversations.

This is the key to mindfully combating ADHD like symptoms and moving away from dependency on medication. The more thoughtfulness you put into a relationship, the higher quality the relationship will become. By thoughtfulness, I mean the ability to validate and move with the person you're talking with. This is something that isn't taught to everyone, a majority of the population learns how to do this inherently.

This is an element associated with conformity to a social group. This is also the primary thing we autistic types run up against when trying to navigate social situations. When the rules change suddenly, and without our notice. We tend to emulate a response and this is where our Autistic Mask can become misaligned with the expectations of reality. Which could lead to, at worst, hopefully, a psychotic break.

I was never so fortunate.

I observed in retrospect, my friend, my correspondent, was unconsciously preventing himself from suffering a psychotic break due to the stress he was put under. I wasn't aware of his stress levels at the time, but his attempt to tighten the communication with me was him trying to re-establish his equilibrium and trust in our relationship. However I was unable to provide the correct types of responses to him and the relationship continued to degrade. It wasn't his fault, and it wasn't my fault. He would eventually committed the Breach of Trust. My response was to terminate the contract. We haven't spoken since. I miss him; I don't know how I would feel talking with him today. After the shit storm of events that spawned as a result of it.

Luckily we had good friends that supported us both through the break.

Over the a couple months after the break, in my isolation. I would heal myself. Mentally and physically. People like to call this Rest and Relaxation, for me, I was getting out and talking to people. I was having trouble finding traction in the conversations and it felt like a similar situation between my friend and I had. I chose to disengage before anything negative would occur.

This reaction is a trauma response, and the final blow that snaps the Autistic Mask into an unconscious state. The Autistic Mask sits somewhere between belief and logic, super-ego and ego. It's not uncommon for us to believe we're doing the right thing. What I mean by this, is that sometimes we need to navigate on belief and sometimes we need to navigate with just logic. The lack of ability when it comes to traversing the back and fourth is what limits our potential. This isn't unique to autism, but we autistics more often throw things such as philosophy out the window because our belief structure is almost non-existent by the time we reach adulthood.

We naturally think with skepticism. Which allows us to build our reasoning and ethical guidance. The drawback though, is our beliefs are what model and settle our emotional intelligence. The injustices done to us, we sometimes feel we have to accept. Which can lead to logic faults such as autistic supremacy. If we nourish one side of our mental capacity in favor of something else. We won't be able to check ourselves and this is what leads to autistic burnout.

When we suddenly meet someone and its a breath of fresh air or a smack in the face. Something shifts in our Autistic Mask that we're unaware of. We all have felt this before, how one little chance encounter can lead to detrimental effects in our daily routine. Each and every one of our autistic peers are scared shitless about our routine being disrupted.

This is the primary reason we avoid each other and it's completely unconscious. We naturally become used to neurotypical thought patterns and when we're unaware of our autistic thought patterns, they are often characterized as negative behavior patterns. This is why anger is important, it provides a sense of self awareness by invoking caution in ourselves and our conversationalists. It's step one to becoming more mindful and protecting ourselves.

We often think anger is destructive and verbose. It's not, it's the primary emotion we need learn more about and not just avoid it. Careless anger is negligent, but tempered anger is powerful.

It turns out if we flip the insecurity of someone being angry with us into an expectation, everything just starts working between autistic types. If we mindfully push ourselves into that chancy situation. We have more control over the outcome. Our Autistic Mask is already pulling us in that direction, if we don't pay attention to it or if we pull back from it. It becomes scary for us and this leads to PTSD. If however, we lean into it. It changes everything. We suddenly start exercising our freewill and our emotional responses become logical decisions and we naturally build more emotional intelligence. We turn our serendipitous mistakes into negligent mistakes and we learn how to become less negligent through this process.

There are people watching out for us and willing to give us passes on anything we learn a lesson from. The problem with my version of autism, is that I was used to people attacking me, at least it felt like I was being attacked. Than I accepted it as a way of life and this is what I had to reverse. People just want to connect; and sometimes they suck at it.

We're all ignorant. As leaders in the autistic community, its up to each and everyone of us to share our struggles in a way that doesn't involve negative down casting of other groups.

I personally gravitated towards software engineering because it can be a creative outlet. Inspirational writers gravitate towards writing because they love their work, for reasons I wish I could properly reiterate. The same is true for pretty much ever other profession out there. We can always find a way to reinvent ourselves.

The big question: What is it like transitioning from non-verbal?

It is explosive. The first time around, I was scared shitless. Well, actually, there was plenty of shit, but not inside me. Literally diarrhea of the mouth. Shit everywhere, and that was by design because I wanted to be left the alone. I was peer pressured into talking to people and I didn't have adequate qualifies to pick and choose the types of people I wanted to talk to.

You see, I was conditioned out of standing up for myself. I was conditioned out of being a self image that I would have enjoyed. I accepted that everyone should come first and I come last. That didn't happen through people, this happened through life. I noticed a more timid approach to social dynamics was ideal for me. The sudden peer pressure I felt manifested into me. While never wanting to speak up and stand up for my own rights. Was to much for me. I was never given example, and I was judged harshly for it. Since elementary school I could see the variance in decision making. Since way before anyone willfully got involved. Which is how I determined forgiveness was the best approach.

I was not just a silent victim, I was a victim that had no sense of self empowerment and a victim where my very rescuers had no idea how to empower me.

And they tried. Throughout my life, they would come and go. Only having the capacity to prevent diaster. I think, deep down, they hoped I would see that. Once I had enough life experience to see the difference between, well. I'll leave that for another day. If my rescuers, the public servants, had a language to empower me. They would have used it. Luckily this was one of the first things I noticed. I noticed they were desperately struggling to reach me.

Relentless psychological attacks towards me, one after another, they empowered my peers to feel comfortable with me to the point where they were no longer afraid to just talk to me. I became so mentally strong, that I was suddenly in a position of psychological power over my peers and I started having to make mindful decisions to yield my power in a way that didn't intimidate anyone.

I diligently decided when to show my abilities at opportune times which allowed me to show a very specific pattern of working towards improvement. While also protecting my autistic peers. I did it in a way that conserved the most energy as possible, because I had to spend a majority of my time healing the general psychological damage I took just talking with my nuerotypical peers.

This is where my abilities as an Energy Worker became essential. It allowed me to self heal and develop abstractions to push myself in a way that matches the rigor of my nuerotypical peers. To them, it felt normal, as they are part of the rat race they choose to be apart of. To me, it was excruciating, but it was not without purpose. I pushed myself to pass their tests and get checked out by them to set and match the expectation.

The unfortunate reality of the divide between nuerotypical and autism is immense. If we start off from a disadvantaged position, there is no support structure autistic types can cling onto outside of the mental health industry to help us up. There is no clear example, because a vast majority of us are already marginalized.

It's easier to work within the system, than it is to improve the system. Most people, including myself, don't wake up everyday with intent to change things. There is enough general support provided by society to help us find our respective niches in life and be happy.

Sometimes when nuerotypical types communicate with autistic types. Miscommunication is inevitable if the neurotypical type is an authority figure. Since going through that experience with my correspondent, I have seen similar breaks in relationships we other autistic types such as myself. I personally know someone who was so desperate to compete with his brother, he gave himself and his family neurosis. It was and is heart breaking. The damage he did to his own children without even knowing it. It's painful to think about.

Still, from that example I was able to see a irreversible pitfall of pushing myself to hard. Knowing about this danger, I bunkered down and protected myself through Energy Work. Spending years, crafting and measuring and recrafting and realigning mental boundaries within myself. Protecting others from what I had to endure. Hardening each alteration to my mind through re-exposure. Preventing the degradation of my personal life, I would lock myself away from my family to protect them from the Ripple Effect of having to endure the onslaught of mental patterns not natural to my mind, my autistic mind.

I can now feel the difference between someone who is nuerotypical and someone who is not. Furthermore, I can feel the difference of three distinct nuerotypes. Two distinctly different nuerotypical types, and autism.

I did it. I finally achieved the ability to communicate unilaterally between autism and nuerotypical. So much so, my approach breams the right tone, usage, command, and assertion when nessicary. There is a drawback though, I'm not allowed to be less than who I am any longer. By broadcasting my integrity, I must follow strict guidelines and therefore I must share these guidelines with the public servants. Not because I will hold you to them, but because you must learn these guidelines. These ethical guidelines will help you wake other non-verbals up and protect them from what happened to me. From what you tried to prevent, but inevitably created by mistake, in my life.

First and foremost, you must cultivate free will. The only difference between someone with freewill and someone who believes there isn't free will. Is someone who takes responsibility for their actions vs someone ready to make an excuse for themselves.

Accountability can only be taught after enough exposure to following our own interests has been accomplished. You got lucky with me, when this concept was first introduced to me. I was compiling a brand new behavior matrix. The ratification of this behavior came later, only because I had to put the shitty factors of my life together in retrospect.

You don't need to validate what the non-verbal says, instead, if you repeat back to them what they've said, to you, to them, immediately. It empowers them. There is more to this, you have to think with intent to empower them and you can't fake it. You have to Totoro it and imbue belief into them. Over and over and over and over and never let it get old for yourself. There will be moments where the non-verbal irritates you, and if you precisely time it, even if you say the wrong thing. You won't do any harm. They will use what you give them. Don't be afraid.

For us, logic rains supreme and our emotions come second. We'll be able to measure it appropriately when the time comes. However, if you're a piece of shit. Watch your back.

The core problem I ran into with The Scientists is they felt the need to cross check against other relationships. Those cross checks would come in a varity of forms. This is where this apparatus fails to function for an individual such as myself and turns into a platform of ADHD for others like myself. My unconscious ended up preventing the relationship from forming as a result when one cross check went to far. It would take me years to find the answer as to why I was naturally adverse to talking with people. The fact that I'm mindful of the approach that is taken, is the main reason why I can adequately defend myself from degradation today. A strategy to protect others is not implicitly designed into the processes and therefore the unwitting participates are naturally marginalized. Today, I'll just bring attention to it. I recommend observing this as a correction.

The cross-checking is not a thought pattern that is native to autistic Individuals such as myself. I only learned about the thought pattern through chance from openly interacting with someone rather than closing myself off. For the first time in my life, I opened myself up and let out how I really felt about things rather than keeping everything to myself. I also spent that time, encouraging someone to become more than they are. They however, decided to use the relationship to try and teach me about psychology rather than make sense of my feedback. My first attempt to communicate upstream was shuttered when he directed me to a website teaching me the archetypes of Carl Jung psychology.

I tried build up the relationship, believing he was honest with his intentions towards me and I validated his feelings and emotions.. so, at least I thought I had. Turns out, he was lying to me the entire time. He was following instructions from an authority I had long since forgotten about. I eventually accepted, if I was to fully engage my freewill and prevent degradation, I'll have to get punchy. I started to develop an elaborate ethical code while still completely unaware of my autism. I wouldn't role out these new behaviors for years. Not until I nailed the timing down.

There is a double edge blade when communicating as an autistic. Discord is the safest interaction as in simulated tension. Then, when real tension occurs, we can fall back onto the simulation tension as a baseline for knowing how things should be handled. This is essential for cross nuerotype communication. The tension naturally breeds caution and helps midigate anger. Preventing rapid decline and disruption to our collective psyches.

The Scientists like to call this structure. The problem is, the structure is not familiar to autistic types. I have already begun the process of teaching The Scientists a pattern they can use with other autistics elsewhere. It'll take time to propagate, but as more and more people are exposed to the exact variance I've introduced. A steady improvement in mental health across the board will be noticed.

Remember, The Scientists need time to test these results with others and something as delicate as this requires a lot of patience. We're building a global society here and one false step could spell disaster. If The Scientists used only my word as their seal of approval, it would be to much risk for them. They have protocols and methods in place to prevent degradation and we need to respect those checks first. They're here to help, I'm just helping them figure out how to help us now, better.

Alterations to the flow of information within a group takes on an additional burden, because the public servants are required to operate in plain view and expose themselves to our peers and must represent themselves in a way where they either retain the influence or can adequately transfer the influence to someone else.

Implicitly creating an unnatural barrier that the unaware participant is restricted by. I first described this as a glass-ceiling, to which a heterosexual white male promptly replied: "Are you a woman?"

Time and time again, social justice indicators would be used against my whiteness to give my marginalized peers a step above me. It is the way our society is built, we support the less fortunate and the marginalized. White people are not the only group who feels this way. The black community likes to push white shame; I've seen the same pattern of shame happen in another country with a completely different groups of people. The utilization of white shame is nessicary to promote optimal mental health for our brothers and sisters of the black community. The resulting irony is, black autistics are even more marginalized than I am because I benefit from white privilege. Being pulled over by the cops, is not as big a fear for me as it would be for my black brothers and sisters within the autistic community.

Social Justice needs to move past redemption and righteousness. Autistic types will not benefit from these concepts because we don't see the world in an adversarial context or puzzle. We naturally look at the world as a way to improve our abilities.

Communication between neurodivergence takes on a very specific pattern that requires an attunement of emotional intelligence. This includes coming to terms with our own limitations.

Moving forward.

Posting content like this regularly, is difficult. It requires me to disrupt my flow, but the benefits it brings, far outweighs the cost it takes to write these entries. I do not aspire to be a writer nor am I trained in academic writing yet. Therefore, it'll be harder for me to clearly explain some concepts in uniform. Nevertheless, I'll try. I however, won't commit to writing on a schedule you're accustomed to.

Now comes the fun part. I get to derive and iterate math to explain what I've found. It'll take me years to learn and discover the correct math to write a proof. Please be patient. I'll write occasionally throughout the years.

On the scale of things, society can wait another 10 years while I take the time I need to figure out the right way to communicate and integrate into society. Building a road for those like myself.

I was naturally marginalized using tongue and cheek, I didn't have access to a corpus of words to hold me up and empower me. My only option was to become stronger and stronger and stronger until my metal would eventually be tested and I suddenly realized my strength was beyond their measure.

I was finally able to relax. Let's take the pressure off the rest of the community now.